A little Change of Mind, and Many Changes of the Heart

Okay, yeah, nevermind. Scratch that lent idea. It was great at first and I'll probably still end up sending those two letters I wrote. I began to feel stupid, repetitive and unchallenged. So i'm giving up bread. Day 1 is hard!


So here I go! No bread! My thighs will thank me.


I've been pretty all over the place with my emotions today. I was dragging all day, skipping classes and just laying around reading, napping and watching Country Strong. Don't get me wrong, it was a great day, but I don't like skipping classes or feeling mopy. I usually get a little depressed when I do that. And tonight I felt so emotionally out of control...ugh. I sobbed while taking a drive because of my dog. She pooped in the house and it was just another reminder of how old she is. When she has to go, she goes and so that means she poops in the house. Poor thing. She's 15 years old and still strong and healthy but little things here and there let me know just how old she is and how much time I have left with her. It's sad to say but it's something I have to face. And when I do, I usually end up in tears. So, I sobbed the whole way there (to wherever) and back on my drive, then came home and took a shower and felt better.


But then the ex texted me and my day got emotional again. He needed my advice and wanted to talk to me, even though I made it perfectly clear that if he ever contacted me I would probably get the authorities involved. I'm not some some psycho bitch with a crazy ex, he just bothers me and always tries to contact me, even though I've asked him several times to stay away and not talk to me. I would just do it to let him know how serious I am. I don't think I could ever actually do it...then I would feel like a psycho bitch.


So, of course, my curiosity got the best of me and I called him. Lucky me, I got to hear him talk and ask advice about whether he should stay with his current girlfriend or not. Ugh, this blows. Why can't I have a normal love life? Plus, all the guys I choose are total losers and usually end up messing with my heart and mind.


Dear God, please give me a normal boyfriend the next I find someone fit to deserve me. And in the mean time, please give me the patience to wait for that right man and respectful thoughts towards all other men.


Sometimes I'm just completely rude to men because of how a few particulars have hurt me. It's not fair to them. But seriously, my heart has been stomped on enough that I deserve a little attitude, right? I mean, without attitude, I will just be nice to them all and that would probably lead to another heart break. That's not happening again. No sir-e!

Letter 2- Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Hey, cousin! I'm so excited to hear that you got the Disney internship. I just can't get over how awesome that is, especially since you wanted it so bad! I plan to visit you at your new place and hopefully stay over night (in a Disney hotel?) and then go to the parks! They never get old :)

So, for lent I decided to do something, rather than give something up. I figured it would be a nice way to make others feel good, especially when they have done the same for me throughout my life. You have had an impact on my life, Lisa, and I'm so thankful that you're my cousin. We live far apart and don't get to see or talk too often, but I think that we have a great friendship. You have posed as a good role model: you have always respected yourself, you are a good student and your faith journey has inspired me as well as helped me to grow.

I love you dearly and am so thankful to call you family :)

Love,
Kaitlin

Letter 1- Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I wish you had an e-mail address so I could write you weekly updates about what I'm doing and tell you how much I miss you! Have I ever told you, you're my favorite grandma? It's Lent now, and instead of giving something up like chocolate or ice cream, I decided to write a letter everyday to the people in my life that I'm thankful for. And you, of course, without a doubt, are one of those people! I know that I don't get to see you everyday or talk to you very much, but I want you to know how much I truly adore you and love you. Grandma, you have filled my heart with so many wonderful memories! One time, when I was about 9 years old, you took me to the dollar store to pass time while Mom and Mike golfed at Midlothian Country Club and you bought me a hairbrush that I still have today! I keep that brush in my car for hair emergencies! What would I do without that hairbrush?! You used to also take me to McDonald's to eat cheeseburgers, fries and coke and then play in the "fun zone" after (you know, the place with all the tubes that kids crawl in). And the best memory of all are the card games that we played! You even gave me a book of card games because you wanted me to keep my mind full of different, awesome card games! We played rummy, UNO, 31, Go Fish, Egyptian Ratschrew...so many games! You taught me everything I know about cards and made me in to an awesome player. If I played poker for money, I would be very rich.

I hope you are doing well in your apartment. I should be there in a few months to visit and see you. We can go to Portillo's to get some good food, too! I hope that this summer you come stay with mom, dad and I in Ohio because we love having you out there! You can sit on the porch outside to watch the birds at the bird feeder while sipping your Miller Lite at 5 pm. Then watch Two and a Half Men with dad every night. I know you love your own room, too. Rosie doesn't like it much because as you know, she walks in, sees you, then walks out, like you stole her space or something. But it's funny and I'd rather her sleep in my bedroom anyways :)

I know I didn't call but I also wanted to say Happy Belated Birthday! You turned 91 in February! That is such an incredible thing! You've made it so far in life and you're healthy and doing well. I hope that I get to see you very soon and I miss you very much. Thanks for being such a wonderful grandma and teaching me so much about life. You are beautiful and I hope that when I'm a grandma, I can be as cool and fun as you.

I love you,
Kaitlin :)

Lenten Season

So, this Lenten Season I decided to do something, rather than give something up. Over the past couple years, I have given up pop and chocolate and ice cream and more pop but this year I thought it would be nice to help others, or make others feel good. One of my roomies and I were surfing the web and she found an idea: write a letter everyday (a total of 40 letters) to the people that have affected your life (or are still doing so today) or your are grateful for. I immediately LOVED this idea. And so that's what I'm going to do. I made a list of 40 people in my life that I'm thankful for and I'm going to write them all letters telling them this and how they have affected me in one way or another. As you can imagine, my list consists of mostly family, relatives and close friends, but there are a few people on there that are not who I immediately would've thought. It's not that hard to think of 40 people, surprisingly. I got to about 28 before I needed my roommate to give me ideas. You try! Think of your family, friends, co-workers, old coaches, teachers, past away friends or family...anyone! Even someone famous! Haha who knows... you don't have to send them either. So this Lenten season I will be blogging everyday, 40 letters, one letter a day. It will be my challenge. A challenge for me to make something a priority in my life that is important and to make others feel good just by making them aware of the difference they are making in others' lives.


Follow me in my journey :)

Patience

As I read for class and listen to "Give into Me" by Garrett Hedlund & Leighton Meester, I think about my ex. Sometimes I miss him, but most times I just miss someone. I was talking to my lovely friend Jessica about it the other day. My ex left me without very much closure and with this emptiness. I feel lonely, alone (their not the same thing) and like I'm missing that special someone (whoever he is). I want to feel loved and cherished and it's really difficult not to fulfill this feeling with someone who will leave in the morning and not truly care. I've tried that and it leaves me feeling worse. Actually, I've tried it on more than one occasion and every time I'm left feeling more and more empty. 


I used to say that I didn't trust God's plan for me. I thought that my ex and I were going to be together for a long time and we weren't meant to break up but I know now that that was exactly what was supposed to happen. I am now awaiting my prince...as cheesy as that sounds. I am waiting for the one who deserves me and will love me wholly without flaw. It will be magical and romantic and everything I've ever wanted. Until then, I pray to God for patience. Patience is what I have been struggling with, not trust. I fully trust this plan, His plan, although it's very difficult at times. I just need the patience to endure the stretch of time it will be until I find THE one. Because I believe that people have soul mates. It's possible to love many times and have a few husbands/wives...but there is only one soul mate. In this period of being single where I will get to know myself and prepare myself for the up and coming, I will grow and get ready for what will be truly special. I'm excited, but in the mean time it won't always be easy, nor will it always feel good. 


I guess I'm just gonna have to fill up on the love in romance movies :)

Games...Oh, Silly Little Games ;)

P.I.M.P P.L.A.Y.E.R

You know who he is?? A player...and you know what players do? They play games!

But that's not totally true because you know what? We all play games...I play games with people all the time. Guys and girls play games with each other. Teachers to students, friend to friend, salesman to his perspective buyer! We all do it! It's sad, but it's true. So here is where I am coming from...

So today I made plans to hangout with a guy friend. He's not just any old guy friend, but someone that has potential...if you know what I mean ;)

Anyways, so we had plans to hangout. He initiated. We stopped talking because of class and such...then he never contacted me again. Isn't that his job? I mean, he's the guy and he initiated so if he really wanted to then he would've followed through, right? It only makes sense. But this is just a simple example of a game. The rules and roles that people play in relationships.

In my Philosophy of Women class we talk about gender roles in relationships and society. Men are told to be the courageous, masculine, strong and economically productive. Women, on the other hand, are caring, emotional, domestic and do the social/relational work. But these jobs/roles can be intermingled and are the things we actually value for humans in general. I mean, don't you want your man to have feelings, care about you and help around the house? Men, don't you want your woman to be strong (maybe if not physically but emotionally?) and courageous? I think so. So these roles are bullshit. Total bullshit. But we all have constructed and maintained these "rules" of existence.

Today I felt strong and courageous. I hungout in the cafeteria of my university as well as my ex and his girlfriend. I have a) never seen her so up close and b) never seen them together. I don't think they knew I was there but I felt confident in my stability (because of the new situation and my uneasiness about our breakup sometimes) and happy that I could deal and be. I was proud of myself. I felt like I'd really come a long way since September when everything fell apart. I've grown so much. I've healed so much. And those things are both very important in who I am and where I can go. Like I said last time, I can do anything because I am in control of my own life.

I don't know if I can say this... but I think it's beautiful how much I have grown. I am SUPER proud of myself and find this fascinating. I owe it all to Him  =)

Thinking about the future a bit...

Hmm... what does the future have in store for me? So many possibilities! It's weird... I can do anything I want. The power is in my hands :) That's quite a thrilling thought.


I can do whatever I want! YEs!


Just repeat it...


I can do whatever I want...
I can do whatever I want...


I am in control of my own life...


That's not something I ever acknowledge but tonight when I was doing SO many things while constantly struggling with reoccurring thoughts... this all came to me.


When I'm older, I want to be happy! I want to be in love, have a wonderful, close-knit family, lots of pets, family vacations, a wonderful writing job that makes me happy and I want to live somewhere warm. I want to take annual or biannual romantic trips with my husband and go out with my girlfriends weekly! I still want to go to clubs and dance, go for runs in the park, swim and lay out in the sun, read lots of books and stay up late watching movies by myself :) 
And you know what the best part is? I can do all this...


But for now, I am going to continue to be a college student. I will hangout with my best girlfriends, laugh, be irresponsible, and just plain enjoy life.


I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends tonight and she was telling me how stressed she is. She's taking 21 credit hours, the Philanthropy chair for her sorority, raising money for a hearing dog, trying to sustain a relationship with her boyfriend 4 hours away, running track for her university and all while maintaining a social life. It really sounds like too much, something I could never take on. I wouldn't be able to deal with all the stress. My happiness and social life is too important to me to take on so much that I'm busy all the time. But I used to be like her and this is the way she likes her life best. So more props to her. But my one line of advice was..." Just make sure you're enjoying life."


Cause that's what it's all about :)