Games...Oh, Silly Little Games ;)

P.I.M.P P.L.A.Y.E.R

You know who he is?? A player...and you know what players do? They play games!

But that's not totally true because you know what? We all play games...I play games with people all the time. Guys and girls play games with each other. Teachers to students, friend to friend, salesman to his perspective buyer! We all do it! It's sad, but it's true. So here is where I am coming from...

So today I made plans to hangout with a guy friend. He's not just any old guy friend, but someone that has potential...if you know what I mean ;)

Anyways, so we had plans to hangout. He initiated. We stopped talking because of class and such...then he never contacted me again. Isn't that his job? I mean, he's the guy and he initiated so if he really wanted to then he would've followed through, right? It only makes sense. But this is just a simple example of a game. The rules and roles that people play in relationships.

In my Philosophy of Women class we talk about gender roles in relationships and society. Men are told to be the courageous, masculine, strong and economically productive. Women, on the other hand, are caring, emotional, domestic and do the social/relational work. But these jobs/roles can be intermingled and are the things we actually value for humans in general. I mean, don't you want your man to have feelings, care about you and help around the house? Men, don't you want your woman to be strong (maybe if not physically but emotionally?) and courageous? I think so. So these roles are bullshit. Total bullshit. But we all have constructed and maintained these "rules" of existence.

Today I felt strong and courageous. I hungout in the cafeteria of my university as well as my ex and his girlfriend. I have a) never seen her so up close and b) never seen them together. I don't think they knew I was there but I felt confident in my stability (because of the new situation and my uneasiness about our breakup sometimes) and happy that I could deal and be. I was proud of myself. I felt like I'd really come a long way since September when everything fell apart. I've grown so much. I've healed so much. And those things are both very important in who I am and where I can go. Like I said last time, I can do anything because I am in control of my own life.

I don't know if I can say this... but I think it's beautiful how much I have grown. I am SUPER proud of myself and find this fascinating. I owe it all to Him  =)

Thinking about the future a bit...

Hmm... what does the future have in store for me? So many possibilities! It's weird... I can do anything I want. The power is in my hands :) That's quite a thrilling thought.


I can do whatever I want! YEs!


Just repeat it...


I can do whatever I want...
I can do whatever I want...


I am in control of my own life...


That's not something I ever acknowledge but tonight when I was doing SO many things while constantly struggling with reoccurring thoughts... this all came to me.


When I'm older, I want to be happy! I want to be in love, have a wonderful, close-knit family, lots of pets, family vacations, a wonderful writing job that makes me happy and I want to live somewhere warm. I want to take annual or biannual romantic trips with my husband and go out with my girlfriends weekly! I still want to go to clubs and dance, go for runs in the park, swim and lay out in the sun, read lots of books and stay up late watching movies by myself :) 
And you know what the best part is? I can do all this...


But for now, I am going to continue to be a college student. I will hangout with my best girlfriends, laugh, be irresponsible, and just plain enjoy life.


I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends tonight and she was telling me how stressed she is. She's taking 21 credit hours, the Philanthropy chair for her sorority, raising money for a hearing dog, trying to sustain a relationship with her boyfriend 4 hours away, running track for her university and all while maintaining a social life. It really sounds like too much, something I could never take on. I wouldn't be able to deal with all the stress. My happiness and social life is too important to me to take on so much that I'm busy all the time. But I used to be like her and this is the way she likes her life best. So more props to her. But my one line of advice was..." Just make sure you're enjoying life."


Cause that's what it's all about :)

Can't get you off my mind

I've been completely distracted by thoughts of you all day. I was so productive yesterday, I got all my work done. But today, it's a completely different story. I can't get you off my mind...


I've been saying this whole time that I don't want anyone. This is seriously so bizarre. You're the first guy I've actually truly, liked since my ex and I broke up and I don't know how to handle it. You know when you say things out loud it makes them real? Well, I guess things became real last night when I mentioned you to my roommates. And then more real when you kissed me that night. I prayed and deeply thought about the kind of guy that I want. Is he answering my prayers? I know that sounds silly but you don't have any "undateable" qualities. 


This is what my list looked like:
- a guy that my family likes and approves
- respects the environment and my vegetarian lifestyle- hopefully will participate too
- funny
- has a good smile
- strong
- not too sensitive but very caring
- thoughtful
- has a job, a car and money to spend on me
- is going somewhere in live...motivated and is in a good position for a career
- smart- i like intelligent conversations
- close to his family
- wants a family of his own someday
- cares and listens to me when I blab about life
- a shoulder to cry on...because I cry a lot
- likes to drink and go out to have a good time
- has a good group of friends- I tend to be friends with my bf's friends so they have to be good people because they're gonna become part of my life and that also says a lot about him
- gets along with my roommates
- willing to spend time and get to know my friends (mostly roommates) without me asking or being there
- white, preferably
- has good hands
- active, likes to be outdoors, or someone that isn't lazy
- doesn't spend too much time on his phone
- no drugs


As you can see I'm quite picky but if I were to go along this list and check which of these things this particular man is...he fits a lot. We've been friends for over a year but just recently I have gotten to know him on a different, more personal level. So, I don't know everything yet, but I know I'll see him again soon and I will find out.